Where Sorrow and Joy Coincide

I have been struggling since our Emelyn's passing with feelings of both pain for every new thing that we are experiencing without our precious little girl mixed with joy for the journey that lies ahead for our family.  This new pregnancy has only strengthened both emotions and at times, it is both confusing and frustrating!  Sometimes it feels as if the cloud of sorrow that surrounds me is never going to go away.  It has been easy for me to become frustrated and try to do everything I can to try to "change" or "overcome" it but today I learned today that having both sorrow and joy is okay (and necessary). 

Ezra 3:10-13
¹⁰ When the builders laid the foundation of the temple of the LORD, the priests in their vestments and with trumpets, and the Levites (the sons of Asaph) with cymbals, took their places to praise the LORD, as prescribed by David king of Israel. ¹¹ With praise and thanksgiving they sang to the LORD:
   “He is good;
   his love toward Israel endures forever.”
   And all the people gave a great shout of praise to the LORD, because the foundation of the house of the LORD was laid. ¹² But many of the older priests and Levites and family heads, who had seen the former temple, wept aloud when they saw the foundation of this temple being laid, while many others shouted for joy. ¹³ No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy from the sound of weeping, because the people made so much noise. And the sound was heard far away.

The foundation that is being built in me is not of stone, but of flesh and blood.  Father knows that we have seen the former "temple" pass away in our precious angel and at times, we will experience great joy and at others, great weeping as the new "temple" is built within me.  Although it doesn't say either the sorrow or the joy was more loud than the other (at times it may be one or the other), our cries will not be silenced and God will be honored!  The new temple is being built even as I write this!!

I know it's a funny analogy but when I found it, I was so deeply touched - God is so good!

My whole word revolved around Emelyn for so long and it broke my heart to see her go but also to see the pain that she was in for so long.  Although it all makes absolutely no sense to me, I trust my Father.  And from that day forward, I truly MEAN it when I say that my children belong to Him and I will treasure EVERY second that He chooses to bless me with them.  They are a most precious gift.  

New Beginnings

We went to visit Emelyn tonight and to give her some very special news.  We told her that she is going to be a big sister!!  We wanted her to be the first to know.  


I thought that it would be really exciting to tell her but I surprised myself and cried the whole way through it.  I so wish that she could be here with us to be a part of all that is taking place in our family and to welcome her new little brother or sister to the family.


Justin and I are so excited for this new chapter in our lives.  It truly feels like an angel has come and hand-delivered this special blessing to us at the perfect time.  As Justin leaves for Afghanistan for another 7 1/2 months, we feel blessed to have the baby to help us pass the time and for something very special to look forward to when he comes home!  I know that little Em is excited to be a big sister :).


God is good, He heard our cries and He answered us.  He knows the desires of our hearts.




Mommy to three beautiful angels,
blessed and full of hope for the promises of tomorrow

Finding Joy in the Holidays

The holidays have come and gone but not without both heartache and joy.  It was Justin's first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Anna which was a lot of fun!  But we couldn't help but feel like Emelyn was "missing."  For Thanksgiving, we lit a candle and displayed two yellow roses next to her pictures at both dinners.

On Thanksgiving day, we brought her a dozen yellow roses and daddy made his little girl her very own snow man - so sweet!

At Christmastime, we wrapped a present for her and put it under the tree and then we brought it to her on Christmas Day.  At our family Christmases, we lit a candle near her picture with a yellow rose again.

Often when we go to visit, we find that Auntie Kandice has come by to leave flowers and a little note.  Nothing could mean more to a mom!  I still cry every time I show up to find that she has come by and Christmas was no different.

My only wish is that our family would begin to understand our heart for our daughter.  We are still feeling like she is continually left out, as if she were never a part of our family.  Christmas began and ended with tears for me only because I hope that, someday, our family will truly understand the precious gift that we were given in Emelyn Rayne.  It absolutely breaks my heart to not have her included in our family in the same way that Anna is.  Emelyn's journey here was not quite as long but it is no less significant and she is every bit as much my daughter as her sweet sister.  I just have to believe that, in time, they will understand my heart.

I often feel like she is "avoided" only because she makes them feel uncomfortable because they don't know what to say or how to act.   I just need them to understand that, although it isn't what any of us wanted, this IS our life and we can't run from it.  They lost a granddaughter/great-granddaughter too and it IS a big deal!

All this to say, we did have a wonderful holiday.  Justin and I know in our hearts, that although most people will never understand what we have gone through or how we would like things to be now, that their hearts are for us and that they genuinely do love us and want to help.  We have learned to be content in knowing that we have each other and that, if nothing else, we understand one another and, with God, we can do this together!

Sweet Surprise

It has been 3 months today that our little Emelyn went to rest in perfect peace. What a special way to celebrate by having her marker placed!!  We have waited two VERY long months to finally have her marker here.  It was sad to see it but such a relief too that she finally has something special to mark her precious life here with us. 

Since Emelyn was buried, two other little ones have been put to rest in Baby Land at the cemetery and tomorrow there will be one more - it breaks my heart every time to see, Justin and I always take a minute by each one to say a prayer for their families because it was all too recently that we were in their shoes.  I don't think that it will ever get any easier to see. 

Each new milestone gets both harder and easier it seems.  It feels like we are healing and able to experience joy again but at the same time, like we are getting farther and farther away from Emelyn with each day that passes - her memory will never be forgotten but it is the way that she felt in my arms, her smell, and the way her fingers felt holding mine that gets harder and harder to remember.  Seeing her little hand and footprints today was so sweet, the size of her little hand was the same as my index finger to the second knuckle - so tiny and precious.  I remember her face so clearly, like I just saw her this morning, I hope that never changes!

To my precious Em,

Your mommy, daddy, and sissy love and miss you so very much.  You are the most precious gift to all of us.  We think about you every day.  Rest in perfect peace my sweet angel.

Love your mommy

Emelyn's Mommy
reflecting - moving ahead with sorrow but joy comes in the morning

God is My Judge

I have met some very special mothers in the last few months who have also experienced the loss of a baby.  It has been so tragic to find that the greatest commonality between all of our stories involves the things that people around us have either done or said that has hurt us.  I have read many blogs and there is almost always a post entitled something like "what not to say to a grieving mother."  I understand that the mother isn't innocent in this, we are more emotional and easily hurt than any other time in our life, past and probably future.  We do need to keep that in mind and our friends and family have good intentions but it is so unfortunate that the same hurts are repeated in all of our stories.  Sometime in the future, I hope to write a post that focuses on helping friends and family know what they can do to help and support us because that really is their intention, and I will also talk about some of the things not to say or do in hope that maybe it will help reduce some of the hurts for others.

For this post though, I would like to focus on one particular issue that has really been affecting me personally lately and I know that other mothers who have lost a child deal with this as well.  After the loss of our babies, we feel like everyone around us is watching us - to see what we will do, how we will respond, etc.  We know that they are making their own judgments based upon what they see in regards to how we're handling things.  This is hard in itself because we are already have a lot going on without feeling like everyone is staring at us but the most hurtful thing is when others make judgments based on what is really a situation that they couldn't possibly undersand and based on a very limited perception.   I don't think people realize how much we actually overhear or that things that they say to others really do come back to us.  And again, this happens in regards to many different issues but I'm going to focus on the one that has upset me the most recently.

The comment that I overhear, am told about, or, believe it or not, asked directly, the most is "when do you think you will have another baby?"  It shocks me really, I don't understand how losing Emelyn gets anyone thinking about our next child, honestly, if I didn't get asked about it so often, even I probably wouldn't be thinking about it.  And how anyone could think that they understand enough of our situation to discuss it behind our backs is even more surprising.  But that isn't even the most frustrating part.  The most frustrating part is the response, which is almost always "I hope you wait a while, you need time to grieve."  I have gone for several months now, just replying with a smile, but I don't know how much longer I will be able to do that because, in my heart, I really am screaming.  I have thought a lot about my response and I think from now on it will be, "I've been grieving for almost 7 months, when will I have greived enough for your taste?"  Don't you think that Justin and I are ready to experience joy again, and do you think it's fair for anyone else to decide when they think that should or shouldn't happen for our family?  Really, there are very few people who could possibly understand how bad Justin and I long to have another baby and our friends and family just need to understand that we are making the best decisions possible for our family.  We are completely submitted to God in the area of our children, now more than ever, but it really is unfortunate that when God does bless us with another little miracle, others will most likely spend more time judging the "timing" than truly being happy for our family and the gift that God will bless us with in HIS timing. 

The good in all of this is that God is really teaching me to be a lot more understanding of people and their different situations.  I hope that when others face difficult situations, they will find comfort in knowing that Justin and I, although we may observe, we will not judge because we could never possibly understand the full picture.  Even if someone did go through the exact same situation as we did, we are different people and things affect us all very differently.  I am in no place to judge anyone else.  And I know I will make mistakes . . . but my God is faithful.

Surrendered Daughter of the King,

submitted fully to the will of my Father, hopeful and overjoyed for what is in store

Moving Forward

Someone asked me today how I was doing and for the first time in almost 7 months, I replied "I'm good."  I didn't really think about it at first but, because my answer caught me by surprise, I've been thinking about it for some time now.  It really is a bittersweet milestone.  In the last couple of days, Justin and I have taken quite a few steps forward, it's starting to feel like the giant dark cloud is finally beginning to pass and things are looking bright again.  We feel like it is finally time to start living again and to allow some joy back into our home.  It is exciting but at the same time, it feels as if we are leaving Emelyn behind.  I know that the sadness will never fully go away and her memory definitely will never leave us but we are moving forward, up and out of the valley, we are looking out at the horizon and are excited to see what is in store for our family.


"Good" Mommy,
looking forward with anticipation, excited for what is in store

His Promises Endure

Wow - I feel like life is going so fast!  I don't think I've ever had so much going on all at once.  There is still so much adjustment taking place and I'm learning and growing so quickly that I can hardly even remember who I was and what I was like just last week!  Everything from the way that I think, to my perspective on life and relationships, to even the way I go about my day is so drastically different now.  

The timing of everything lately has been so perfect.  I have been reading through the book of Job.  And then yesterday, I found a book in our desk that someone gave me back in March and I actually finished the entire thing in one sitting, it is called "Holding onto Hope" by Nancy Guthrie.  It is a book about her own struggle with the loss of her baby girl and how she learned to respond and to work through all of the chaos.  I'm really glad that I found it - although I feel like much of it are things that I have already worked through in the last couple of months - it was definitely nice to realize that I am not alone in a lot of the things that I have thought and struggled with.  And I did learn some new things too!! 

I will share a little bit of the journey that the Lord has been taking me on but the reason that I am writing this, really, isn’t for anyone but myself – I desperately need this, as a reminder to myself to keep going, that this too shall pass and that God does indeed have a purpose.  Sometimes, that is all we have to hold onto.  Having faith isn’t easy – I think that’s why God has given us so many reminders, He knows that we need them.  And even though it may sound or appear that I’ve got it figured out, I really don’t at all!  These truly are statements of faith for me – the promises that I am desperately clinging to on my journey through this.

Job suffered great tragedy, and I find many similarities in his journey through the valley and into his blessing.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."  - JOB 1:21

"Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"  - JOB 2:10

It is very difficult to worship the Lord in a time of suffering; the words seem to get caught in your throat.  You know that you believe them but it is hard, at the time, to honestly say things to the Lord that you don't feel in your heart at the moment -- for me, a lot of my worship became declarations of faith.  For example, "Lord, I don't feel like this right now, but make it true in my life."  Job worshiped in his time of despair, and his worship came from his realization that everything he had was because of the Lord and if the Lord wanted to take it away, he was okay with that because he had great faith in his Father.

"For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.

For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to the children of men."  - LAMENTATIONS 3:31-33

I have to rest in the knowledge that since God has allowed suffering in our lives, it is for a purpose and it is a good purpose.  God does not allow meaningless suffering.  And although I often think, "it’s okay Lord, just give her back.  Whatever is to come, we don't want it, we'll take Em instead."  I know that my perspective is limited and, again, Emelyn belongs to Him and He knows what is best for all of us. 

After this, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.  He said:

"May the day of my birth perish,
       and the night it was said, 'A boy is born!'

That day—may it turn to darkness;
       may God above not care about it;
       may no light shine upon it.

For sighing comes to me instead of food;
       my groans pour out like water.

What I feared has come upon me;
       what I dreaded has happened to me.

I have no peace, no quietness;
       I have no rest, but only turmoil."   - JOB 3:1-3, 24-26

“Oh, that I might have my request,
       that God would grant what I hope for,

that God would be willing to crush me,
       to let loose his hand and cut me off!”  - JOB 6:8-9

Job really struggled, so much so that he wished he was never born – but he made it through and had even more joy in the end.  I have to keep reminding myself that, this too shall pass!

“Then I would still have this consolation—
       my joy in unrelenting pain—
       that I had not denied the words of the Holy One.”  - JOB 6:10

The ONLY thing that brought Job joy was that He still had his faith – that was it!  When everything around us seems so awful and hopeless, there is nothing we can do but have faith.  I find myself getting out of bed each day literally leaning on the hope that God knows and that He will carry me and will bring me through all of this.     

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat—I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. - LUKE 9:23-25

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”  - JAMES 1:2-4

I have always known these scriptures but they have so much more meaning now.  I read them in faith – I am following the Lord, I have no idea where we are going but I have faith that He does and that His plan is perfect.

“Will you never look away from me,
       or let me alone even for an instant?

 If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
       O watcher of men?
       Why have you made me your target?
       Have I become a burden to you?” – JOB 7:19-20

Job had questions for God too – “Why God? Why me?  Why now?”  Emelyn’s condition is “one of the most severe birth defects compatible with life.”  The chances of her condition occurring is 1 in 40,000 live births – but her case is extremely rare even among those because of its severity.  Literally, we had better odds of being struck by lightning – so why Emelyn?  And it wasn’t only the question of why that Job struggled with, but he also wondered why it all had to happen at once.  Justin and I have felt that way.  There were many instances surrounding Emelyn’s birth and death that, we felt, just didn’t have to happen – and they seem so purposeless.  Sometimes it felt like God was holding us down and we couldn’t even come up for a breath before there was something else!  I know that anyone who has experienced a death in their family or has battled a fatal illness understands the financial burden that accompanies it, how unfortunate – as if we don’t have enough going on already.  But on top of all of that, within 2 weeks of Emelyn’s death before we had even had her memorial service, our car broke down, I ended up back in the hospital for complications with the C-section, and a mishap at the funeral home with Emelyn left us feeling very violated and helpless, and believe it or not, there was more!  The only way we found to push through all of that was, again, just to have faith – really, that’s all that we can do because there are no answers.

“His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.”  - JOHN 9:2-3

Although it is extremely difficult for us to understand what “the work of God” could possibly be in this circumstance - even as I write the words, it seems next to impossible, but again, we must have faith.  At the time of Job’s trial, I am sure that he didn’t have any idea of the impact that his life and story would have on, not only his own life, but on all humanity after him!  He must have felt alone and hopeless, lost and confused, but he held onto his faith, and therein lies the reason for his triumph and blessing.

“Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel
       with words without knowledge?

Brace yourself like a man;
       I will question you,
       and you shall answer me.

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
       Tell me, if you understand.

Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
       Who stretched a measuring line across it?

On what were its footings set,
       or who laid its cornerstone-

while the morning stars sang together
       and all the angels shouted for joy”  - JOB 38:1-7

For months I struggled because I was petitioning God over and over for answers and there was only silence.  My reasoning was that I was going through so much, the least God could do was make himself and the reason for my struggle clear to me but no answer came.  Even our Pastor (and many others) prayed over me specifically that God would answer my questions, and still no answers.  It wasn’t until I began to diligently seek the answers for myself from Scripture (just within the last couple of days) that I began to gain understanding.  And honestly, if God had given me the answers that I have found now at the time that I was asking, I probably would have only become more angry.  His timing really is perfect and I have been humbled because really, who am I to question God? 

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
 Who, being in very nature God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
 but made himself nothing,
      taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness.
 And being found in appearance as a man,
      he humbled himself
      and became obedient to death—
         even death on a cross!”  - PHILIPPIANS 2:5-8

I am God’s servant – I have been humbled and I will be obedient, even to death.  I am learning what it means to be truly submitted, “though He slay me, yet will I trust Him (Job 13:5).” 

“My ears had heard of you
       but now my eyes have seen you.

 Therefore I despise myself
       and repent in dust and ashes." – JOB 42:5-6

How unfortunate it is that we can’t learn these lessons on our own.  I am more confident than ever (although I wish it weren’t true!!) that intimacy with God comes through the trials.  Obviously, Job did have a pretty strong faith and knowledge of God before this all happened, yet he says to God “I had only heard of you.”  I think what Job meant was that going through this trial allowed him to experience God for himself.  I do feel like I have learned so much about the Father, and I also feel like I still have a LONG way to go.  And this may sound silly to you, but I really am grateful that God chose me – and I honestly have never felt more humbled in my life.

“What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”  - PHILIPPIANS 3:8-11

Like Job, and like Paul, I hope to discover a new place of intimacy with God through my suffering.  Nancy Guthrie says in her book that “it is uniquely through suffering that we can find our way to the very heart of God.  In fact, it is the only pathway that can take us there.”  How unfortunate but, really, how encouraging!

I am walking through the valley, I will stand firm, and I will have victory – to God alone be the glory for He is my strength and my salvation.

Humbled Daughter of the King!,

shaken but unmoved, struck down but not destroyed, blessed because His promises endure.