God is My Judge

I have met some very special mothers in the last few months who have also experienced the loss of a baby.  It has been so tragic to find that the greatest commonality between all of our stories involves the things that people around us have either done or said that has hurt us.  I have read many blogs and there is almost always a post entitled something like "what not to say to a grieving mother."  I understand that the mother isn't innocent in this, we are more emotional and easily hurt than any other time in our life, past and probably future.  We do need to keep that in mind and our friends and family have good intentions but it is so unfortunate that the same hurts are repeated in all of our stories.  Sometime in the future, I hope to write a post that focuses on helping friends and family know what they can do to help and support us because that really is their intention, and I will also talk about some of the things not to say or do in hope that maybe it will help reduce some of the hurts for others.

For this post though, I would like to focus on one particular issue that has really been affecting me personally lately and I know that other mothers who have lost a child deal with this as well.  After the loss of our babies, we feel like everyone around us is watching us - to see what we will do, how we will respond, etc.  We know that they are making their own judgments based upon what they see in regards to how we're handling things.  This is hard in itself because we are already have a lot going on without feeling like everyone is staring at us but the most hurtful thing is when others make judgments based on what is really a situation that they couldn't possibly undersand and based on a very limited perception.   I don't think people realize how much we actually overhear or that things that they say to others really do come back to us.  And again, this happens in regards to many different issues but I'm going to focus on the one that has upset me the most recently.

The comment that I overhear, am told about, or, believe it or not, asked directly, the most is "when do you think you will have another baby?"  It shocks me really, I don't understand how losing Emelyn gets anyone thinking about our next child, honestly, if I didn't get asked about it so often, even I probably wouldn't be thinking about it.  And how anyone could think that they understand enough of our situation to discuss it behind our backs is even more surprising.  But that isn't even the most frustrating part.  The most frustrating part is the response, which is almost always "I hope you wait a while, you need time to grieve."  I have gone for several months now, just replying with a smile, but I don't know how much longer I will be able to do that because, in my heart, I really am screaming.  I have thought a lot about my response and I think from now on it will be, "I've been grieving for almost 7 months, when will I have greived enough for your taste?"  Don't you think that Justin and I are ready to experience joy again, and do you think it's fair for anyone else to decide when they think that should or shouldn't happen for our family?  Really, there are very few people who could possibly understand how bad Justin and I long to have another baby and our friends and family just need to understand that we are making the best decisions possible for our family.  We are completely submitted to God in the area of our children, now more than ever, but it really is unfortunate that when God does bless us with another little miracle, others will most likely spend more time judging the "timing" than truly being happy for our family and the gift that God will bless us with in HIS timing. 

The good in all of this is that God is really teaching me to be a lot more understanding of people and their different situations.  I hope that when others face difficult situations, they will find comfort in knowing that Justin and I, although we may observe, we will not judge because we could never possibly understand the full picture.  Even if someone did go through the exact same situation as we did, we are different people and things affect us all very differently.  I am in no place to judge anyone else.  And I know I will make mistakes . . . but my God is faithful.

Surrendered Daughter of the King,

submitted fully to the will of my Father, hopeful and overjoyed for what is in store