Easier Said than Done

I am more than convinced that Justin and I have chosen the absolute perfect church home for our family!  Almost every week since Emelyn was born I have sincerely felt that each Sunday sermon has been written specifically for me – I have grown so much.  I am beginning to understand that Justin and I did walk through “the valley of the shadow of death” – We found out six months ago that our daughter was facing a very serious medical condition and we began an aggressive fight for her life, it took all of our time, our energy, our finances, everything.  And then four months later, all in the same day, we experienced the joy of her birth and the heartache of her death.  I really do have to stand on God’s promise that He is with us, that He is our comforter, and that joy and healing are on their way – and it isn’t always easy!  This last Sunday, our pastor talked about Abraham and Isaac, and God revealed some things to me – things that I have always “known” but now I have lived them.    

Throughout my years in church, I have heard many pastors teach on this same passage, so often the focus seems to be trying to explain why God would ever ask a man to sacrifice his child.  (This is why I didn't think the story pertained to our situation - because we did lose our daughter) but I realized during the sermon that the question of why God asked Abraham to kill his son isn't the point - we may never know the answer.  Just like we may never know why God chose to take Emelyn so soon, trying to figure out why isn't important.  The point is that Abraham had so much faith in His God that He was willing to obey Him, even to the point of sacrificing his most prized possession. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “DUH!” right??  And I would have said the same thing, because growing up in church, I have always truly believed, that I HAD surrendered everything to the Lord.  It is only now, after losing a child, that the statement has significantly more meaning.  I realized that I myself haven’t had as much faith in God as Abraham.  And it wasn’t even with Emelyn, well kind of, but I noticed it the most with Anna after Emelyn died.  It took time but I came to terms with what had happened and I told the Lord “Alright, I don’t know why but I trust you.”  But then I found myself saying, “okay God, you can still have everything, but not Anna, and no more of my babies.”  I am learning now, and believe me, it is a struggle, to really and truly give everything that I have over to God because everything that I have is His and is because of Him.  And believe me, it’s easier said than done!!!  I can’t think of anything harder to give up than my babies.  There was just something about watching our little, precious angel struggle for so long that is really hard to understand.  Sometimes I just feel saying, "Lord, if you had to take her, okay - but why did she have to struggle through ALL of these other things too!"  I can understand some of the purpose behind her death but her struggle just seems so awful to me -- I will share more about this journey in a later post, when I'm ready. 


I have come to not only know, but to really understand that my children are not mine -- they may feel like mine, and I may hold on to them like they are - but really, they are God's and His plan for them is better than even my plan for them is.  It may not feel like it now, and I may struggle with accepting His plan, I may even petitition and beg and pleed for him to change His plan but I know that my perspective is limited and I just have to rely on my Father who knows best -- and this takes extreme faith!

A picture of Em with her little eyes open!!

On another note . . . I have spent the last couple of days putting up pictures of Emelyn in our home, FINALLY!!  In this case, however, I have not been procrastinating.  I have been deeply hurt for quite some time by others who have made comments that seeing Emelyn may make them uncomfortable.  In my need to protect my daughter’s image and to protect her from the judgment of others, I have found myself keeping her pictures “secret.”  No more!   Emelyn now has her own little “corner” in our house complete with candles, flowers, and a picture of her in her dress!  And her mommy is more than happy to finally be “showing her off!”  

I am beginning to learn that it really doesn’t matter what others think, yes, their comments sting (I really can’t think of a comment that could hurt a mother more or could possibly be any more selfish) but it is our home and we will proudly display and discuss the memories we have of our precious baby girl.  And that means I will be posting more pictures here as well!!  :)

Anna and Emelyn’s Mommy,
taking one day at a time