Slowly but Surely

It has been a CRAZY week!!

Last Saturday was one year since Emelyn's ultrasound/diagnosis - the day our world came crashing down and we were both rushed in for an emergency procedure.  Now it feels like every day is another milestone/memory of where we were exactly one year ago.

And it has now been just over 8 months since we last held our precious Em, I can't believe that my Emelyn would be 8 months old already!  It seems like FOREVER since I held her in my arms but an eight month old?!  WOW!

Anna and I both had the stomach flu this last week, and with all of the emotions already from all of the anniversaries, plus the morning sickness I was already dealing with, it made for a HARD few days - not to mention having Justin all the way across the country too!  I ended up going to the ER and being treated for dehydration and a UTI.  They gave me some medicine which I had an allergic reaction to and the ambulance had to come to our house!  My tongue was so swollen I couldn't keep it in my mouth or talk, it was quite scary and embarrassing too.  And through it all, Anna was completely oblivious, she was just excited to have "visitors" and to see the lights on the trucks.

We DID get to see our new little one for the first time at the hospital on the anniversary of Emelyn's "diagnosis ultrasound" which was really neat and unexpected - it made for one emotional mommy!  And then we had our first doctor appointment just a few days later.  Baby is measuring a few days small which could just be because I ovulated a little late but the heart beat was good and strong at 162bpm and baby even bounced around a little for us.  Doctor Pier says that everything looks normal, he will be seeing me for the duration of the pregnancy.  He even gave me his cell phone number in case I need anything between our appointments. 

It has definitely been WAY more emotional than I had expected going through another pregnancy, especially right in the middle of all of the milestones that we are reaching with Emelyn.  I do not feel at all like this baby is, in any way, a replacement for my precious Em but it is difficult to go through a new pregnancy without being bombarded with memories of emotions I felt when I was going through all of this with her.  I am definitely more nervous this time around but I am excited that our first anatomy scan is in just a little over 5 weeks, it gives me something to look forward to and, hopefully, an endpoint to at least some of my nerves.  Five weeks feels like an eternity but I know it will be here before we know it.  At this point, it feels like it can't come fast enough.  I can't wait to be able to hear and share the words "healthy baby!" 

"I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me."

-Philippians 4:13

Where Sorrow and Joy Coincide

I have been struggling since our Emelyn's passing with feelings of both pain for every new thing that we are experiencing without our precious little girl mixed with joy for the journey that lies ahead for our family.  This new pregnancy has only strengthened both emotions and at times, it is both confusing and frustrating!  Sometimes it feels as if the cloud of sorrow that surrounds me is never going to go away.  It has been easy for me to become frustrated and try to do everything I can to try to "change" or "overcome" it but today I learned today that having both sorrow and joy is okay (and necessary). 

Ezra 3:10-13
¹⁰ When the builders laid the foundation of the temple of the LORD, the priests in their vestments and with trumpets, and the Levites (the sons of Asaph) with cymbals, took their places to praise the LORD, as prescribed by David king of Israel. ¹¹ With praise and thanksgiving they sang to the LORD:
   “He is good;
   his love toward Israel endures forever.”
   And all the people gave a great shout of praise to the LORD, because the foundation of the house of the LORD was laid. ¹² But many of the older priests and Levites and family heads, who had seen the former temple, wept aloud when they saw the foundation of this temple being laid, while many others shouted for joy. ¹³ No one could distinguish the sound of the shouts of joy from the sound of weeping, because the people made so much noise. And the sound was heard far away.

The foundation that is being built in me is not of stone, but of flesh and blood.  Father knows that we have seen the former "temple" pass away in our precious angel and at times, we will experience great joy and at others, great weeping as the new "temple" is built within me.  Although it doesn't say either the sorrow or the joy was more loud than the other (at times it may be one or the other), our cries will not be silenced and God will be honored!  The new temple is being built even as I write this!!

I know it's a funny analogy but when I found it, I was so deeply touched - God is so good!

My whole word revolved around Emelyn for so long and it broke my heart to see her go but also to see the pain that she was in for so long.  Although it all makes absolutely no sense to me, I trust my Father.  And from that day forward, I truly MEAN it when I say that my children belong to Him and I will treasure EVERY second that He chooses to bless me with them.  They are a most precious gift.  

New Beginnings

We went to visit Emelyn tonight and to give her some very special news.  We told her that she is going to be a big sister!!  We wanted her to be the first to know.  


I thought that it would be really exciting to tell her but I surprised myself and cried the whole way through it.  I so wish that she could be here with us to be a part of all that is taking place in our family and to welcome her new little brother or sister to the family.


Justin and I are so excited for this new chapter in our lives.  It truly feels like an angel has come and hand-delivered this special blessing to us at the perfect time.  As Justin leaves for Afghanistan for another 7 1/2 months, we feel blessed to have the baby to help us pass the time and for something very special to look forward to when he comes home!  I know that little Em is excited to be a big sister :).


God is good, He heard our cries and He answered us.  He knows the desires of our hearts.




Mommy to three beautiful angels,
blessed and full of hope for the promises of tomorrow

Finding Joy in the Holidays

The holidays have come and gone but not without both heartache and joy.  It was Justin's first Thanksgiving and Christmas with Anna which was a lot of fun!  But we couldn't help but feel like Emelyn was "missing."  For Thanksgiving, we lit a candle and displayed two yellow roses next to her pictures at both dinners.

On Thanksgiving day, we brought her a dozen yellow roses and daddy made his little girl her very own snow man - so sweet!

At Christmastime, we wrapped a present for her and put it under the tree and then we brought it to her on Christmas Day.  At our family Christmases, we lit a candle near her picture with a yellow rose again.

Often when we go to visit, we find that Auntie Kandice has come by to leave flowers and a little note.  Nothing could mean more to a mom!  I still cry every time I show up to find that she has come by and Christmas was no different.

My only wish is that our family would begin to understand our heart for our daughter.  We are still feeling like she is continually left out, as if she were never a part of our family.  Christmas began and ended with tears for me only because I hope that, someday, our family will truly understand the precious gift that we were given in Emelyn Rayne.  It absolutely breaks my heart to not have her included in our family in the same way that Anna is.  Emelyn's journey here was not quite as long but it is no less significant and she is every bit as much my daughter as her sweet sister.  I just have to believe that, in time, they will understand my heart.

I often feel like she is "avoided" only because she makes them feel uncomfortable because they don't know what to say or how to act.   I just need them to understand that, although it isn't what any of us wanted, this IS our life and we can't run from it.  They lost a granddaughter/great-granddaughter too and it IS a big deal!

All this to say, we did have a wonderful holiday.  Justin and I know in our hearts, that although most people will never understand what we have gone through or how we would like things to be now, that their hearts are for us and that they genuinely do love us and want to help.  We have learned to be content in knowing that we have each other and that, if nothing else, we understand one another and, with God, we can do this together!

Sweet Surprise

It has been 3 months today that our little Emelyn went to rest in perfect peace. What a special way to celebrate by having her marker placed!!  We have waited two VERY long months to finally have her marker here.  It was sad to see it but such a relief too that she finally has something special to mark her precious life here with us. 

Since Emelyn was buried, two other little ones have been put to rest in Baby Land at the cemetery and tomorrow there will be one more - it breaks my heart every time to see, Justin and I always take a minute by each one to say a prayer for their families because it was all too recently that we were in their shoes.  I don't think that it will ever get any easier to see. 

Each new milestone gets both harder and easier it seems.  It feels like we are healing and able to experience joy again but at the same time, like we are getting farther and farther away from Emelyn with each day that passes - her memory will never be forgotten but it is the way that she felt in my arms, her smell, and the way her fingers felt holding mine that gets harder and harder to remember.  Seeing her little hand and footprints today was so sweet, the size of her little hand was the same as my index finger to the second knuckle - so tiny and precious.  I remember her face so clearly, like I just saw her this morning, I hope that never changes!

To my precious Em,

Your mommy, daddy, and sissy love and miss you so very much.  You are the most precious gift to all of us.  We think about you every day.  Rest in perfect peace my sweet angel.

Love your mommy

Emelyn's Mommy
reflecting - moving ahead with sorrow but joy comes in the morning

God is My Judge

I have met some very special mothers in the last few months who have also experienced the loss of a baby.  It has been so tragic to find that the greatest commonality between all of our stories involves the things that people around us have either done or said that has hurt us.  I have read many blogs and there is almost always a post entitled something like "what not to say to a grieving mother."  I understand that the mother isn't innocent in this, we are more emotional and easily hurt than any other time in our life, past and probably future.  We do need to keep that in mind and our friends and family have good intentions but it is so unfortunate that the same hurts are repeated in all of our stories.  Sometime in the future, I hope to write a post that focuses on helping friends and family know what they can do to help and support us because that really is their intention, and I will also talk about some of the things not to say or do in hope that maybe it will help reduce some of the hurts for others.

For this post though, I would like to focus on one particular issue that has really been affecting me personally lately and I know that other mothers who have lost a child deal with this as well.  After the loss of our babies, we feel like everyone around us is watching us - to see what we will do, how we will respond, etc.  We know that they are making their own judgments based upon what they see in regards to how we're handling things.  This is hard in itself because we are already have a lot going on without feeling like everyone is staring at us but the most hurtful thing is when others make judgments based on what is really a situation that they couldn't possibly undersand and based on a very limited perception.   I don't think people realize how much we actually overhear or that things that they say to others really do come back to us.  And again, this happens in regards to many different issues but I'm going to focus on the one that has upset me the most recently.

The comment that I overhear, am told about, or, believe it or not, asked directly, the most is "when do you think you will have another baby?"  It shocks me really, I don't understand how losing Emelyn gets anyone thinking about our next child, honestly, if I didn't get asked about it so often, even I probably wouldn't be thinking about it.  And how anyone could think that they understand enough of our situation to discuss it behind our backs is even more surprising.  But that isn't even the most frustrating part.  The most frustrating part is the response, which is almost always "I hope you wait a while, you need time to grieve."  I have gone for several months now, just replying with a smile, but I don't know how much longer I will be able to do that because, in my heart, I really am screaming.  I have thought a lot about my response and I think from now on it will be, "I've been grieving for almost 7 months, when will I have greived enough for your taste?"  Don't you think that Justin and I are ready to experience joy again, and do you think it's fair for anyone else to decide when they think that should or shouldn't happen for our family?  Really, there are very few people who could possibly understand how bad Justin and I long to have another baby and our friends and family just need to understand that we are making the best decisions possible for our family.  We are completely submitted to God in the area of our children, now more than ever, but it really is unfortunate that when God does bless us with another little miracle, others will most likely spend more time judging the "timing" than truly being happy for our family and the gift that God will bless us with in HIS timing. 

The good in all of this is that God is really teaching me to be a lot more understanding of people and their different situations.  I hope that when others face difficult situations, they will find comfort in knowing that Justin and I, although we may observe, we will not judge because we could never possibly understand the full picture.  Even if someone did go through the exact same situation as we did, we are different people and things affect us all very differently.  I am in no place to judge anyone else.  And I know I will make mistakes . . . but my God is faithful.

Surrendered Daughter of the King,

submitted fully to the will of my Father, hopeful and overjoyed for what is in store

Moving Forward

Someone asked me today how I was doing and for the first time in almost 7 months, I replied "I'm good."  I didn't really think about it at first but, because my answer caught me by surprise, I've been thinking about it for some time now.  It really is a bittersweet milestone.  In the last couple of days, Justin and I have taken quite a few steps forward, it's starting to feel like the giant dark cloud is finally beginning to pass and things are looking bright again.  We feel like it is finally time to start living again and to allow some joy back into our home.  It is exciting but at the same time, it feels as if we are leaving Emelyn behind.  I know that the sadness will never fully go away and her memory definitely will never leave us but we are moving forward, up and out of the valley, we are looking out at the horizon and are excited to see what is in store for our family.


"Good" Mommy,
looking forward with anticipation, excited for what is in store