Better Late than Never

It's been 2 months since we said hello and goodbye to our little Emelyn Rayne.  Although I am disappointed that it has taken me this long to finally start writing, I know that I have to start somewhere!

Things are finally starting to get back to "normal" in the Howell house . . . after an 8-month deployment, 4 months of bed rest and procedures for our precious Em, and now 2 months of adjusting and healing -- wow, just thinking about that is exhausting!!  We miss our baby girl so very much and we all wish that we were making the adjustments with her here as a part of our family.  Although a lot of healing has taken place for all of us, I know that there is still a lot more to come.  Just going out in public has been hard for us, not knowing who or what we might see that may bring back all of the emotions.  Justin is much more brave than I, he has definitely been my rock through all of this.  There were so many times were I just wanted to run away and hide, who am I kidding?  I still want to!  I am confident that things will get better with time but I know that there are some parts of us that are forever changed and it will take some time for us to get used to our new reality. 

I look forward to these next months with fear but also with joy.  I feel like each day that passes, we are getting further from Emelyn and our time with her but I know that we have to keep pressing on so that healing and growth for our family can take place.  The holidays are quickly approaching and I know that it will be hard without her.  I hope to find ways to incorporate her memory into our home and traditions. 

I think the thing that I struggle with the most is not being able to "watch over" my baby.  I know that she is in a safe place but, as her mommy, it is so hard to not "know" where my baby is and what she is doing.  I have asked the Lord repeatedly for an image of her and I hope that someday my prayer will be answered.  Our time with her was so very limited and I spend quite a bit of time thinking about what she could be doing in each moment.  She was so peaceful and sweet, content and confident in her mommy and daddy, the way all of us hope to be.  She really was a special little girl with a purpose and an impact that we may never fully understand. 

After Emelyn was born and I was able to wake up from the surgery, I was blessed with being allowed to hold her for all of that morning and much of the afternoon.  I was able to hold her two more times at the funeral home, the first time was a week after she was born, and once again before her memorial ceremony.  In the beginning, I missed the feeling of her in my arms.  I cried and longed to hold her.  I told Justin that I wished I could carry her around with me always, and I meant it.  There was so much to accomplish before her memorial ceremony that we really did keep busy, we still grieved A LOT but the reality of everything really sank in after the ceremony was over.  It took almost a month before I made it a full day without breaking down.  I would think that I was doing alright and then something would happen that would bring it all flooding back.  After that, there was about a week when things started to begin to feel "normal" again but then it all came back.  I think at that point, I was starting to understand the extent of the impact that Emelyn's life and death had on our life and family and with it came so many emotions - I'm still working to heal and I know that I probably always will.  Everything is different now; my emotions, my thinking, my faith, my way of doing things, my relationships - none of the changes are bad, just different, so many adjustments all at once - It's exhausting!  I feel often that people are starting to expect me to be "back to my old self" again and it is hard to explain that it will never happen.  I know that there are very few people, if any, who can fully understand the scope of all that Justin and I have gone through and will continue to go through.  I only hope that my family and friends can learn to be patient and understanding as we tackle this mountain! 

I am confident that, even in this, God is sovereign - we have gone through this experience and we have been changed.  We will probably never understand why and it will take time for us to wrestle with some of the questions that we have but we know that God is big and He did not bring us through all of this to abandon us on the other side, He will continue to teach us and to bring us through.  He is patient with us and He will be patient and faithful to us as we work through all of our questions and emotions.  He understands better than anyone else ever could, and He loves me and He loves Emelyn.  We have been angry, we have withdrawn, we have questioned, but we have never walked away and we have never given up and we won't. 

How blessed we are to have a place to go and "sit" with Emelyn.  I did not understand until even after her ceremony how much that physical place to go would mean to me.  The idea of going to a physical place when Emelyn is no longer in her physical body seemed silly to me at first but it really has been extrememly comforting.  There is something about having a place to go and sit and to have that safe place to greive, to vent, to wrestle with the chaos of emotions that we are facing, but most importantly, to remember.  It took us a while to finalize her grave marker (as it took us such a long time to finalize any of the details - the permanence of our decisions is truly intimidating) but it has finally been ordered and I really do long to have it placed - it will be so nice to have a permenant memorial of her life.

The other thing that has been very difficult for us is that we feel like others, including some of our friends and family do not fully understand the significance of Emelyn's life.  And as her mother, this breaks my heart.  Emelyn is no more and no less our daughter than Anna, they both became ours in the exact same way.  Our journeys with both girls has been very different.  When I was pregnant with Anna, we did enjoy her but, in retrospect, we were mostly just waiting to "meet her" once she was born.  With Emelyn, we learned to treasure every little kick, every little hearbeat -- every heartbeat was literally a miracle!  Those who are close to us know that Emelyn had so many close calls and we spent so much time fighting for every moment that she had within my stomach and even once she was born.   We were in the hospital so often that we, literally, saw Emelyn almost every day for 4 months, and not just for a few seconds or even minutes but often for hours!  And we listened to her heartbeat 5 times a day for 20-90 minutes each time!!  When she was born, we felt like we already knew her.  All this to say that, although it hurts us to share our story about having only one living daughter and one angel, it hurts more to not mention her, like she never existed.  Emelyn is, and will always be an important part of our family - no less a part of it than Anna.  Although their journeys and impacts have been drastically different (just as their personalities and even physical characteristics were drastically different), they are both our daughters.  And I truly enjoy talking about Emelyn just like any mother likes to talk about her children.  I am sad that I will not have as many stories to "share" about Emelyn as I will about Anna but I will forever re-tell the memories that I do have because she was so very special. 

I am still not ready to share our full story but I am confident that, in time, I will not only be ready, but excited to talk about all of the details of our time with Emelyn.

Until next time . . .

Emelyn's Mommy,

grieving a great loss, but full of joy and hope for what is to come . . . for all 4 of us