His Promises Endure

Wow - I feel like life is going so fast!  I don't think I've ever had so much going on all at once.  There is still so much adjustment taking place and I'm learning and growing so quickly that I can hardly even remember who I was and what I was like just last week!  Everything from the way that I think, to my perspective on life and relationships, to even the way I go about my day is so drastically different now.  

The timing of everything lately has been so perfect.  I have been reading through the book of Job.  And then yesterday, I found a book in our desk that someone gave me back in March and I actually finished the entire thing in one sitting, it is called "Holding onto Hope" by Nancy Guthrie.  It is a book about her own struggle with the loss of her baby girl and how she learned to respond and to work through all of the chaos.  I'm really glad that I found it - although I feel like much of it are things that I have already worked through in the last couple of months - it was definitely nice to realize that I am not alone in a lot of the things that I have thought and struggled with.  And I did learn some new things too!! 

I will share a little bit of the journey that the Lord has been taking me on but the reason that I am writing this, really, isn’t for anyone but myself – I desperately need this, as a reminder to myself to keep going, that this too shall pass and that God does indeed have a purpose.  Sometimes, that is all we have to hold onto.  Having faith isn’t easy – I think that’s why God has given us so many reminders, He knows that we need them.  And even though it may sound or appear that I’ve got it figured out, I really don’t at all!  These truly are statements of faith for me – the promises that I am desperately clinging to on my journey through this.

Job suffered great tragedy, and I find many similarities in his journey through the valley and into his blessing.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."  - JOB 1:21

"Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"  - JOB 2:10

It is very difficult to worship the Lord in a time of suffering; the words seem to get caught in your throat.  You know that you believe them but it is hard, at the time, to honestly say things to the Lord that you don't feel in your heart at the moment -- for me, a lot of my worship became declarations of faith.  For example, "Lord, I don't feel like this right now, but make it true in my life."  Job worshiped in his time of despair, and his worship came from his realization that everything he had was because of the Lord and if the Lord wanted to take it away, he was okay with that because he had great faith in his Father.

"For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.

For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to the children of men."  - LAMENTATIONS 3:31-33

I have to rest in the knowledge that since God has allowed suffering in our lives, it is for a purpose and it is a good purpose.  God does not allow meaningless suffering.  And although I often think, "it’s okay Lord, just give her back.  Whatever is to come, we don't want it, we'll take Em instead."  I know that my perspective is limited and, again, Emelyn belongs to Him and He knows what is best for all of us. 

After this, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.  He said:

"May the day of my birth perish,
       and the night it was said, 'A boy is born!'

That day—may it turn to darkness;
       may God above not care about it;
       may no light shine upon it.

For sighing comes to me instead of food;
       my groans pour out like water.

What I feared has come upon me;
       what I dreaded has happened to me.

I have no peace, no quietness;
       I have no rest, but only turmoil."   - JOB 3:1-3, 24-26

“Oh, that I might have my request,
       that God would grant what I hope for,

that God would be willing to crush me,
       to let loose his hand and cut me off!”  - JOB 6:8-9

Job really struggled, so much so that he wished he was never born – but he made it through and had even more joy in the end.  I have to keep reminding myself that, this too shall pass!

“Then I would still have this consolation—
       my joy in unrelenting pain—
       that I had not denied the words of the Holy One.”  - JOB 6:10

The ONLY thing that brought Job joy was that He still had his faith – that was it!  When everything around us seems so awful and hopeless, there is nothing we can do but have faith.  I find myself getting out of bed each day literally leaning on the hope that God knows and that He will carry me and will bring me through all of this.     

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat—I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. - LUKE 9:23-25

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”  - JAMES 1:2-4

I have always known these scriptures but they have so much more meaning now.  I read them in faith – I am following the Lord, I have no idea where we are going but I have faith that He does and that His plan is perfect.

“Will you never look away from me,
       or let me alone even for an instant?

 If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
       O watcher of men?
       Why have you made me your target?
       Have I become a burden to you?” – JOB 7:19-20

Job had questions for God too – “Why God? Why me?  Why now?”  Emelyn’s condition is “one of the most severe birth defects compatible with life.”  The chances of her condition occurring is 1 in 40,000 live births – but her case is extremely rare even among those because of its severity.  Literally, we had better odds of being struck by lightning – so why Emelyn?  And it wasn’t only the question of why that Job struggled with, but he also wondered why it all had to happen at once.  Justin and I have felt that way.  There were many instances surrounding Emelyn’s birth and death that, we felt, just didn’t have to happen – and they seem so purposeless.  Sometimes it felt like God was holding us down and we couldn’t even come up for a breath before there was something else!  I know that anyone who has experienced a death in their family or has battled a fatal illness understands the financial burden that accompanies it, how unfortunate – as if we don’t have enough going on already.  But on top of all of that, within 2 weeks of Emelyn’s death before we had even had her memorial service, our car broke down, I ended up back in the hospital for complications with the C-section, and a mishap at the funeral home with Emelyn left us feeling very violated and helpless, and believe it or not, there was more!  The only way we found to push through all of that was, again, just to have faith – really, that’s all that we can do because there are no answers.

“His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.”  - JOHN 9:2-3

Although it is extremely difficult for us to understand what “the work of God” could possibly be in this circumstance - even as I write the words, it seems next to impossible, but again, we must have faith.  At the time of Job’s trial, I am sure that he didn’t have any idea of the impact that his life and story would have on, not only his own life, but on all humanity after him!  He must have felt alone and hopeless, lost and confused, but he held onto his faith, and therein lies the reason for his triumph and blessing.

“Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel
       with words without knowledge?

Brace yourself like a man;
       I will question you,
       and you shall answer me.

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
       Tell me, if you understand.

Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
       Who stretched a measuring line across it?

On what were its footings set,
       or who laid its cornerstone-

while the morning stars sang together
       and all the angels shouted for joy”  - JOB 38:1-7

For months I struggled because I was petitioning God over and over for answers and there was only silence.  My reasoning was that I was going through so much, the least God could do was make himself and the reason for my struggle clear to me but no answer came.  Even our Pastor (and many others) prayed over me specifically that God would answer my questions, and still no answers.  It wasn’t until I began to diligently seek the answers for myself from Scripture (just within the last couple of days) that I began to gain understanding.  And honestly, if God had given me the answers that I have found now at the time that I was asking, I probably would have only become more angry.  His timing really is perfect and I have been humbled because really, who am I to question God? 

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
 Who, being in very nature God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
 but made himself nothing,
      taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness.
 And being found in appearance as a man,
      he humbled himself
      and became obedient to death—
         even death on a cross!”  - PHILIPPIANS 2:5-8

I am God’s servant – I have been humbled and I will be obedient, even to death.  I am learning what it means to be truly submitted, “though He slay me, yet will I trust Him (Job 13:5).” 

“My ears had heard of you
       but now my eyes have seen you.

 Therefore I despise myself
       and repent in dust and ashes." – JOB 42:5-6

How unfortunate it is that we can’t learn these lessons on our own.  I am more confident than ever (although I wish it weren’t true!!) that intimacy with God comes through the trials.  Obviously, Job did have a pretty strong faith and knowledge of God before this all happened, yet he says to God “I had only heard of you.”  I think what Job meant was that going through this trial allowed him to experience God for himself.  I do feel like I have learned so much about the Father, and I also feel like I still have a LONG way to go.  And this may sound silly to you, but I really am grateful that God chose me – and I honestly have never felt more humbled in my life.

“What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”  - PHILIPPIANS 3:8-11

Like Job, and like Paul, I hope to discover a new place of intimacy with God through my suffering.  Nancy Guthrie says in her book that “it is uniquely through suffering that we can find our way to the very heart of God.  In fact, it is the only pathway that can take us there.”  How unfortunate but, really, how encouraging!

I am walking through the valley, I will stand firm, and I will have victory – to God alone be the glory for He is my strength and my salvation.

Humbled Daughter of the King!,

shaken but unmoved, struck down but not destroyed, blessed because His promises endure.