God is My Judge

I have met some very special mothers in the last few months who have also experienced the loss of a baby.  It has been so tragic to find that the greatest commonality between all of our stories involves the things that people around us have either done or said that has hurt us.  I have read many blogs and there is almost always a post entitled something like "what not to say to a grieving mother."  I understand that the mother isn't innocent in this, we are more emotional and easily hurt than any other time in our life, past and probably future.  We do need to keep that in mind and our friends and family have good intentions but it is so unfortunate that the same hurts are repeated in all of our stories.  Sometime in the future, I hope to write a post that focuses on helping friends and family know what they can do to help and support us because that really is their intention, and I will also talk about some of the things not to say or do in hope that maybe it will help reduce some of the hurts for others.

For this post though, I would like to focus on one particular issue that has really been affecting me personally lately and I know that other mothers who have lost a child deal with this as well.  After the loss of our babies, we feel like everyone around us is watching us - to see what we will do, how we will respond, etc.  We know that they are making their own judgments based upon what they see in regards to how we're handling things.  This is hard in itself because we are already have a lot going on without feeling like everyone is staring at us but the most hurtful thing is when others make judgments based on what is really a situation that they couldn't possibly undersand and based on a very limited perception.   I don't think people realize how much we actually overhear or that things that they say to others really do come back to us.  And again, this happens in regards to many different issues but I'm going to focus on the one that has upset me the most recently.

The comment that I overhear, am told about, or, believe it or not, asked directly, the most is "when do you think you will have another baby?"  It shocks me really, I don't understand how losing Emelyn gets anyone thinking about our next child, honestly, if I didn't get asked about it so often, even I probably wouldn't be thinking about it.  And how anyone could think that they understand enough of our situation to discuss it behind our backs is even more surprising.  But that isn't even the most frustrating part.  The most frustrating part is the response, which is almost always "I hope you wait a while, you need time to grieve."  I have gone for several months now, just replying with a smile, but I don't know how much longer I will be able to do that because, in my heart, I really am screaming.  I have thought a lot about my response and I think from now on it will be, "I've been grieving for almost 7 months, when will I have greived enough for your taste?"  Don't you think that Justin and I are ready to experience joy again, and do you think it's fair for anyone else to decide when they think that should or shouldn't happen for our family?  Really, there are very few people who could possibly understand how bad Justin and I long to have another baby and our friends and family just need to understand that we are making the best decisions possible for our family.  We are completely submitted to God in the area of our children, now more than ever, but it really is unfortunate that when God does bless us with another little miracle, others will most likely spend more time judging the "timing" than truly being happy for our family and the gift that God will bless us with in HIS timing. 

The good in all of this is that God is really teaching me to be a lot more understanding of people and their different situations.  I hope that when others face difficult situations, they will find comfort in knowing that Justin and I, although we may observe, we will not judge because we could never possibly understand the full picture.  Even if someone did go through the exact same situation as we did, we are different people and things affect us all very differently.  I am in no place to judge anyone else.  And I know I will make mistakes . . . but my God is faithful.

Surrendered Daughter of the King,

submitted fully to the will of my Father, hopeful and overjoyed for what is in store

Moving Forward

Someone asked me today how I was doing and for the first time in almost 7 months, I replied "I'm good."  I didn't really think about it at first but, because my answer caught me by surprise, I've been thinking about it for some time now.  It really is a bittersweet milestone.  In the last couple of days, Justin and I have taken quite a few steps forward, it's starting to feel like the giant dark cloud is finally beginning to pass and things are looking bright again.  We feel like it is finally time to start living again and to allow some joy back into our home.  It is exciting but at the same time, it feels as if we are leaving Emelyn behind.  I know that the sadness will never fully go away and her memory definitely will never leave us but we are moving forward, up and out of the valley, we are looking out at the horizon and are excited to see what is in store for our family.


"Good" Mommy,
looking forward with anticipation, excited for what is in store

His Promises Endure

Wow - I feel like life is going so fast!  I don't think I've ever had so much going on all at once.  There is still so much adjustment taking place and I'm learning and growing so quickly that I can hardly even remember who I was and what I was like just last week!  Everything from the way that I think, to my perspective on life and relationships, to even the way I go about my day is so drastically different now.  

The timing of everything lately has been so perfect.  I have been reading through the book of Job.  And then yesterday, I found a book in our desk that someone gave me back in March and I actually finished the entire thing in one sitting, it is called "Holding onto Hope" by Nancy Guthrie.  It is a book about her own struggle with the loss of her baby girl and how she learned to respond and to work through all of the chaos.  I'm really glad that I found it - although I feel like much of it are things that I have already worked through in the last couple of months - it was definitely nice to realize that I am not alone in a lot of the things that I have thought and struggled with.  And I did learn some new things too!! 

I will share a little bit of the journey that the Lord has been taking me on but the reason that I am writing this, really, isn’t for anyone but myself – I desperately need this, as a reminder to myself to keep going, that this too shall pass and that God does indeed have a purpose.  Sometimes, that is all we have to hold onto.  Having faith isn’t easy – I think that’s why God has given us so many reminders, He knows that we need them.  And even though it may sound or appear that I’ve got it figured out, I really don’t at all!  These truly are statements of faith for me – the promises that I am desperately clinging to on my journey through this.

Job suffered great tragedy, and I find many similarities in his journey through the valley and into his blessing.

"Naked I came from my mother's womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised."  - JOB 1:21

"Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?"  - JOB 2:10

It is very difficult to worship the Lord in a time of suffering; the words seem to get caught in your throat.  You know that you believe them but it is hard, at the time, to honestly say things to the Lord that you don't feel in your heart at the moment -- for me, a lot of my worship became declarations of faith.  For example, "Lord, I don't feel like this right now, but make it true in my life."  Job worshiped in his time of despair, and his worship came from his realization that everything he had was because of the Lord and if the Lord wanted to take it away, he was okay with that because he had great faith in his Father.

"For men are not cast off
by the Lord forever.

Though he brings grief, he will show compassion,
so great is his unfailing love.

For he does not willingly bring affliction
or grief to the children of men."  - LAMENTATIONS 3:31-33

I have to rest in the knowledge that since God has allowed suffering in our lives, it is for a purpose and it is a good purpose.  God does not allow meaningless suffering.  And although I often think, "it’s okay Lord, just give her back.  Whatever is to come, we don't want it, we'll take Em instead."  I know that my perspective is limited and, again, Emelyn belongs to Him and He knows what is best for all of us. 

After this, Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.  He said:

"May the day of my birth perish,
       and the night it was said, 'A boy is born!'

That day—may it turn to darkness;
       may God above not care about it;
       may no light shine upon it.

For sighing comes to me instead of food;
       my groans pour out like water.

What I feared has come upon me;
       what I dreaded has happened to me.

I have no peace, no quietness;
       I have no rest, but only turmoil."   - JOB 3:1-3, 24-26

“Oh, that I might have my request,
       that God would grant what I hope for,

that God would be willing to crush me,
       to let loose his hand and cut me off!”  - JOB 6:8-9

Job really struggled, so much so that he wished he was never born – but he made it through and had even more joy in the end.  I have to keep reminding myself that, this too shall pass!

“Then I would still have this consolation—
       my joy in unrelenting pain—
       that I had not denied the words of the Holy One.”  - JOB 6:10

The ONLY thing that brought Job joy was that He still had his faith – that was it!  When everything around us seems so awful and hopeless, there is nothing we can do but have faith.  I find myself getting out of bed each day literally leaning on the hope that God knows and that He will carry me and will bring me through all of this.     

"Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You're not in the driver's seat—I am. Don't run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I'll show you how. - LUKE 9:23-25

“Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.”  - JAMES 1:2-4

I have always known these scriptures but they have so much more meaning now.  I read them in faith – I am following the Lord, I have no idea where we are going but I have faith that He does and that His plan is perfect.

“Will you never look away from me,
       or let me alone even for an instant?

 If I have sinned, what have I done to you,
       O watcher of men?
       Why have you made me your target?
       Have I become a burden to you?” – JOB 7:19-20

Job had questions for God too – “Why God? Why me?  Why now?”  Emelyn’s condition is “one of the most severe birth defects compatible with life.”  The chances of her condition occurring is 1 in 40,000 live births – but her case is extremely rare even among those because of its severity.  Literally, we had better odds of being struck by lightning – so why Emelyn?  And it wasn’t only the question of why that Job struggled with, but he also wondered why it all had to happen at once.  Justin and I have felt that way.  There were many instances surrounding Emelyn’s birth and death that, we felt, just didn’t have to happen – and they seem so purposeless.  Sometimes it felt like God was holding us down and we couldn’t even come up for a breath before there was something else!  I know that anyone who has experienced a death in their family or has battled a fatal illness understands the financial burden that accompanies it, how unfortunate – as if we don’t have enough going on already.  But on top of all of that, within 2 weeks of Emelyn’s death before we had even had her memorial service, our car broke down, I ended up back in the hospital for complications with the C-section, and a mishap at the funeral home with Emelyn left us feeling very violated and helpless, and believe it or not, there was more!  The only way we found to push through all of that was, again, just to have faith – really, that’s all that we can do because there are no answers.

“His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life.”  - JOHN 9:2-3

Although it is extremely difficult for us to understand what “the work of God” could possibly be in this circumstance - even as I write the words, it seems next to impossible, but again, we must have faith.  At the time of Job’s trial, I am sure that he didn’t have any idea of the impact that his life and story would have on, not only his own life, but on all humanity after him!  He must have felt alone and hopeless, lost and confused, but he held onto his faith, and therein lies the reason for his triumph and blessing.

“Then the LORD answered Job out of the storm. He said:

"Who is this that darkens my counsel
       with words without knowledge?

Brace yourself like a man;
       I will question you,
       and you shall answer me.

"Where were you when I laid the earth's foundation?
       Tell me, if you understand.

Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
       Who stretched a measuring line across it?

On what were its footings set,
       or who laid its cornerstone-

while the morning stars sang together
       and all the angels shouted for joy”  - JOB 38:1-7

For months I struggled because I was petitioning God over and over for answers and there was only silence.  My reasoning was that I was going through so much, the least God could do was make himself and the reason for my struggle clear to me but no answer came.  Even our Pastor (and many others) prayed over me specifically that God would answer my questions, and still no answers.  It wasn’t until I began to diligently seek the answers for myself from Scripture (just within the last couple of days) that I began to gain understanding.  And honestly, if God had given me the answers that I have found now at the time that I was asking, I probably would have only become more angry.  His timing really is perfect and I have been humbled because really, who am I to question God? 

“Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus:
 Who, being in very nature God,
      did not consider equality with God something to be grasped,
 but made himself nothing,
      taking the very nature of a servant,
      being made in human likeness.
 And being found in appearance as a man,
      he humbled himself
      and became obedient to death—
         even death on a cross!”  - PHILIPPIANS 2:5-8

I am God’s servant – I have been humbled and I will be obedient, even to death.  I am learning what it means to be truly submitted, “though He slay me, yet will I trust Him (Job 13:5).” 

“My ears had heard of you
       but now my eyes have seen you.

 Therefore I despise myself
       and repent in dust and ashes." – JOB 42:5-6

How unfortunate it is that we can’t learn these lessons on our own.  I am more confident than ever (although I wish it weren’t true!!) that intimacy with God comes through the trials.  Obviously, Job did have a pretty strong faith and knowledge of God before this all happened, yet he says to God “I had only heard of you.”  I think what Job meant was that going through this trial allowed him to experience God for himself.  I do feel like I have learned so much about the Father, and I also feel like I still have a LONG way to go.  And this may sound silly to you, but I really am grateful that God chose me – and I honestly have never felt more humbled in my life.

“What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead.”  - PHILIPPIANS 3:8-11

Like Job, and like Paul, I hope to discover a new place of intimacy with God through my suffering.  Nancy Guthrie says in her book that “it is uniquely through suffering that we can find our way to the very heart of God.  In fact, it is the only pathway that can take us there.”  How unfortunate but, really, how encouraging!

I am walking through the valley, I will stand firm, and I will have victory – to God alone be the glory for He is my strength and my salvation.

Humbled Daughter of the King!,

shaken but unmoved, struck down but not destroyed, blessed because His promises endure.

Easier Said than Done

I am more than convinced that Justin and I have chosen the absolute perfect church home for our family!  Almost every week since Emelyn was born I have sincerely felt that each Sunday sermon has been written specifically for me – I have grown so much.  I am beginning to understand that Justin and I did walk through “the valley of the shadow of death” – We found out six months ago that our daughter was facing a very serious medical condition and we began an aggressive fight for her life, it took all of our time, our energy, our finances, everything.  And then four months later, all in the same day, we experienced the joy of her birth and the heartache of her death.  I really do have to stand on God’s promise that He is with us, that He is our comforter, and that joy and healing are on their way – and it isn’t always easy!  This last Sunday, our pastor talked about Abraham and Isaac, and God revealed some things to me – things that I have always “known” but now I have lived them.    

Throughout my years in church, I have heard many pastors teach on this same passage, so often the focus seems to be trying to explain why God would ever ask a man to sacrifice his child.  (This is why I didn't think the story pertained to our situation - because we did lose our daughter) but I realized during the sermon that the question of why God asked Abraham to kill his son isn't the point - we may never know the answer.  Just like we may never know why God chose to take Emelyn so soon, trying to figure out why isn't important.  The point is that Abraham had so much faith in His God that He was willing to obey Him, even to the point of sacrificing his most prized possession. Yes, I know what you’re thinking, “DUH!” right??  And I would have said the same thing, because growing up in church, I have always truly believed, that I HAD surrendered everything to the Lord.  It is only now, after losing a child, that the statement has significantly more meaning.  I realized that I myself haven’t had as much faith in God as Abraham.  And it wasn’t even with Emelyn, well kind of, but I noticed it the most with Anna after Emelyn died.  It took time but I came to terms with what had happened and I told the Lord “Alright, I don’t know why but I trust you.”  But then I found myself saying, “okay God, you can still have everything, but not Anna, and no more of my babies.”  I am learning now, and believe me, it is a struggle, to really and truly give everything that I have over to God because everything that I have is His and is because of Him.  And believe me, it’s easier said than done!!!  I can’t think of anything harder to give up than my babies.  There was just something about watching our little, precious angel struggle for so long that is really hard to understand.  Sometimes I just feel saying, "Lord, if you had to take her, okay - but why did she have to struggle through ALL of these other things too!"  I can understand some of the purpose behind her death but her struggle just seems so awful to me -- I will share more about this journey in a later post, when I'm ready. 


I have come to not only know, but to really understand that my children are not mine -- they may feel like mine, and I may hold on to them like they are - but really, they are God's and His plan for them is better than even my plan for them is.  It may not feel like it now, and I may struggle with accepting His plan, I may even petitition and beg and pleed for him to change His plan but I know that my perspective is limited and I just have to rely on my Father who knows best -- and this takes extreme faith!

A picture of Em with her little eyes open!!

On another note . . . I have spent the last couple of days putting up pictures of Emelyn in our home, FINALLY!!  In this case, however, I have not been procrastinating.  I have been deeply hurt for quite some time by others who have made comments that seeing Emelyn may make them uncomfortable.  In my need to protect my daughter’s image and to protect her from the judgment of others, I have found myself keeping her pictures “secret.”  No more!   Emelyn now has her own little “corner” in our house complete with candles, flowers, and a picture of her in her dress!  And her mommy is more than happy to finally be “showing her off!”  

I am beginning to learn that it really doesn’t matter what others think, yes, their comments sting (I really can’t think of a comment that could hurt a mother more or could possibly be any more selfish) but it is our home and we will proudly display and discuss the memories we have of our precious baby girl.  And that means I will be posting more pictures here as well!!  :)

Anna and Emelyn’s Mommy,
taking one day at a time

Better Late than Never

It's been 2 months since we said hello and goodbye to our little Emelyn Rayne.  Although I am disappointed that it has taken me this long to finally start writing, I know that I have to start somewhere!

Things are finally starting to get back to "normal" in the Howell house . . . after an 8-month deployment, 4 months of bed rest and procedures for our precious Em, and now 2 months of adjusting and healing -- wow, just thinking about that is exhausting!!  We miss our baby girl so very much and we all wish that we were making the adjustments with her here as a part of our family.  Although a lot of healing has taken place for all of us, I know that there is still a lot more to come.  Just going out in public has been hard for us, not knowing who or what we might see that may bring back all of the emotions.  Justin is much more brave than I, he has definitely been my rock through all of this.  There were so many times were I just wanted to run away and hide, who am I kidding?  I still want to!  I am confident that things will get better with time but I know that there are some parts of us that are forever changed and it will take some time for us to get used to our new reality. 

I look forward to these next months with fear but also with joy.  I feel like each day that passes, we are getting further from Emelyn and our time with her but I know that we have to keep pressing on so that healing and growth for our family can take place.  The holidays are quickly approaching and I know that it will be hard without her.  I hope to find ways to incorporate her memory into our home and traditions. 

I think the thing that I struggle with the most is not being able to "watch over" my baby.  I know that she is in a safe place but, as her mommy, it is so hard to not "know" where my baby is and what she is doing.  I have asked the Lord repeatedly for an image of her and I hope that someday my prayer will be answered.  Our time with her was so very limited and I spend quite a bit of time thinking about what she could be doing in each moment.  She was so peaceful and sweet, content and confident in her mommy and daddy, the way all of us hope to be.  She really was a special little girl with a purpose and an impact that we may never fully understand. 

After Emelyn was born and I was able to wake up from the surgery, I was blessed with being allowed to hold her for all of that morning and much of the afternoon.  I was able to hold her two more times at the funeral home, the first time was a week after she was born, and once again before her memorial ceremony.  In the beginning, I missed the feeling of her in my arms.  I cried and longed to hold her.  I told Justin that I wished I could carry her around with me always, and I meant it.  There was so much to accomplish before her memorial ceremony that we really did keep busy, we still grieved A LOT but the reality of everything really sank in after the ceremony was over.  It took almost a month before I made it a full day without breaking down.  I would think that I was doing alright and then something would happen that would bring it all flooding back.  After that, there was about a week when things started to begin to feel "normal" again but then it all came back.  I think at that point, I was starting to understand the extent of the impact that Emelyn's life and death had on our life and family and with it came so many emotions - I'm still working to heal and I know that I probably always will.  Everything is different now; my emotions, my thinking, my faith, my way of doing things, my relationships - none of the changes are bad, just different, so many adjustments all at once - It's exhausting!  I feel often that people are starting to expect me to be "back to my old self" again and it is hard to explain that it will never happen.  I know that there are very few people, if any, who can fully understand the scope of all that Justin and I have gone through and will continue to go through.  I only hope that my family and friends can learn to be patient and understanding as we tackle this mountain! 

I am confident that, even in this, God is sovereign - we have gone through this experience and we have been changed.  We will probably never understand why and it will take time for us to wrestle with some of the questions that we have but we know that God is big and He did not bring us through all of this to abandon us on the other side, He will continue to teach us and to bring us through.  He is patient with us and He will be patient and faithful to us as we work through all of our questions and emotions.  He understands better than anyone else ever could, and He loves me and He loves Emelyn.  We have been angry, we have withdrawn, we have questioned, but we have never walked away and we have never given up and we won't. 

How blessed we are to have a place to go and "sit" with Emelyn.  I did not understand until even after her ceremony how much that physical place to go would mean to me.  The idea of going to a physical place when Emelyn is no longer in her physical body seemed silly to me at first but it really has been extrememly comforting.  There is something about having a place to go and sit and to have that safe place to greive, to vent, to wrestle with the chaos of emotions that we are facing, but most importantly, to remember.  It took us a while to finalize her grave marker (as it took us such a long time to finalize any of the details - the permanence of our decisions is truly intimidating) but it has finally been ordered and I really do long to have it placed - it will be so nice to have a permenant memorial of her life.

The other thing that has been very difficult for us is that we feel like others, including some of our friends and family do not fully understand the significance of Emelyn's life.  And as her mother, this breaks my heart.  Emelyn is no more and no less our daughter than Anna, they both became ours in the exact same way.  Our journeys with both girls has been very different.  When I was pregnant with Anna, we did enjoy her but, in retrospect, we were mostly just waiting to "meet her" once she was born.  With Emelyn, we learned to treasure every little kick, every little hearbeat -- every heartbeat was literally a miracle!  Those who are close to us know that Emelyn had so many close calls and we spent so much time fighting for every moment that she had within my stomach and even once she was born.   We were in the hospital so often that we, literally, saw Emelyn almost every day for 4 months, and not just for a few seconds or even minutes but often for hours!  And we listened to her heartbeat 5 times a day for 20-90 minutes each time!!  When she was born, we felt like we already knew her.  All this to say that, although it hurts us to share our story about having only one living daughter and one angel, it hurts more to not mention her, like she never existed.  Emelyn is, and will always be an important part of our family - no less a part of it than Anna.  Although their journeys and impacts have been drastically different (just as their personalities and even physical characteristics were drastically different), they are both our daughters.  And I truly enjoy talking about Emelyn just like any mother likes to talk about her children.  I am sad that I will not have as many stories to "share" about Emelyn as I will about Anna but I will forever re-tell the memories that I do have because she was so very special. 

I am still not ready to share our full story but I am confident that, in time, I will not only be ready, but excited to talk about all of the details of our time with Emelyn.

Until next time . . .

Emelyn's Mommy,

grieving a great loss, but full of joy and hope for what is to come . . . for all 4 of us